It's ok to surrender to the dark moments. The loneliness, the despair, the utter darkness. We all have it in us. Sometimes it's the best thing to do, really embrace it.
When I first read about the "dark side", I didn't understand it. I hadn't recognized my own dark side. It took me until very recently to actually see it, even though I've know it my whole life.
The loneliness that never leaves my side. Sometimes vanishing, but its always lurking. At most times manageable. Sometimes overwhelming. There's this self-hatred that crops up, this lack of self-faith. There's some evil, and selfishness, and emptiness. My journey to learn who I am is obviously going to mean I have to see and acknowledge, and maybe appreciate my dark side.
A friend recently shared that he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was on the phone with him and even though I was upset and worried, I instantly realized that I was not surprised to learn that. And I guessed nor was he. We were familiar with his dark side. But here was this loud, big label. A hoisted flag, the "disorder". I didn't have to think, some voice was speaking for me, some ancient old part of me.
I said we all have the capacity to be bipolar. I have been a millionth of a millimeter away from madness. I have sat and despaired and sobbed until I couldn't move. I have felt madness rise in my blood to my head. Sometimes followed by a rush, a high of the same intensity.
We all have moments of insanity. Some of us are doomed by our genes to be more susceptible. Some are doomed by our habits, and lifestyles and circumstances. But we all can understand what it means to be "bipolar." I'm not trying to take anything away from the those who suffer from infinitely more than many of us, I'm feeling like I can relate, understand and connect. Maybe I can't help, maybe I can.
Maybe all it takes is knowing that it passes. That there's more to us than the darkness. Breaking habits, patterns is hard, I know only too well. It can't be done alone. I've learned that we're a species bound to one another, meant to love, to share, to touch, to teach. And for all the loneliness that follows me, I deeply appreciate people and the magic of genuine companionship.
One other thing I know and I hope is true, is that I also have this intensely strong light in me. The light that won't let me sit in despair too long. The light that drags me back to the day, to fresh air and blue sky and green grass. I'm infinitely grateful I have that light that fights to live. I hope I can share it, and light up more lives than my own.
Tonight I want to declare my love for life in me and in those around me. Dark and light.
When I first read about the "dark side", I didn't understand it. I hadn't recognized my own dark side. It took me until very recently to actually see it, even though I've know it my whole life.
The loneliness that never leaves my side. Sometimes vanishing, but its always lurking. At most times manageable. Sometimes overwhelming. There's this self-hatred that crops up, this lack of self-faith. There's some evil, and selfishness, and emptiness. My journey to learn who I am is obviously going to mean I have to see and acknowledge, and maybe appreciate my dark side.
A friend recently shared that he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was on the phone with him and even though I was upset and worried, I instantly realized that I was not surprised to learn that. And I guessed nor was he. We were familiar with his dark side. But here was this loud, big label. A hoisted flag, the "disorder". I didn't have to think, some voice was speaking for me, some ancient old part of me.
I said we all have the capacity to be bipolar. I have been a millionth of a millimeter away from madness. I have sat and despaired and sobbed until I couldn't move. I have felt madness rise in my blood to my head. Sometimes followed by a rush, a high of the same intensity.
We all have moments of insanity. Some of us are doomed by our genes to be more susceptible. Some are doomed by our habits, and lifestyles and circumstances. But we all can understand what it means to be "bipolar." I'm not trying to take anything away from the those who suffer from infinitely more than many of us, I'm feeling like I can relate, understand and connect. Maybe I can't help, maybe I can.
Maybe all it takes is knowing that it passes. That there's more to us than the darkness. Breaking habits, patterns is hard, I know only too well. It can't be done alone. I've learned that we're a species bound to one another, meant to love, to share, to touch, to teach. And for all the loneliness that follows me, I deeply appreciate people and the magic of genuine companionship.
One other thing I know and I hope is true, is that I also have this intensely strong light in me. The light that won't let me sit in despair too long. The light that drags me back to the day, to fresh air and blue sky and green grass. I'm infinitely grateful I have that light that fights to live. I hope I can share it, and light up more lives than my own.
Tonight I want to declare my love for life in me and in those around me. Dark and light.
