Lagging

Bombay.

At night. Sober for a change.


Time with the family. Talking.


With the boys. Listening. Arguing.


Lights on the streets. Amber glow.


In the train! Sitting at the doors.

Relished.

Diwali Wishes

In another lifetime, I would say: May all your dreams come true.

Instead, now I think I'll say: Hope you stop dreaming soon.

Happy Diwali y'all.

Going to Bombay!

"Sunday afternoon lunch at our place. We're organising food. BYOB. Theme party. Everyone has to dress as rock stars. If you want to bring wives, girl friends, someone along, make sure they know the theme. Non-theme dressers will have to take care of Kabir."

SMS from Melly. Haha. This is the lunch party where I meet the boys. I guess Sailusha and I'll be looking after Kabir, and trying to teach him yoga.

At BSP

I buried my face in the grass. I was lying flat on my stomach, in the morning sun, in the grass.

I breathed in the smell of the earth.

The last remaining dewdrops cooling my skin.

I heard nothing but the birds.

I didn't need to think. Nothing else existed - no past, no future. No opinions, or emotions, or fantasies. No Afrin.

I was experiencing something new. Something unique - oneness.

The Ishas

Sparkling eyes.

Delirious laughter.

Unconditional love.

Exuberant skipping steps.

The answer

When the longing to know becomes larger than your ego - you will find out.

Two sides

When you're driving a car, you think the pedestrians are like annoying mosquitos, and people on bikes keep getting in your way, and you hate the bus driver for thinking he owns the road.

You honk impatiently. Quite a lot.

When you're walking on the road, you think the car drivers are out to kill you, and you can't stand how much they honk.

You curse them. Quite a lot.

Where do tears come from? Do you know?

I'll tell you.

They come from the gap between you and me. The gap between me and the sky. The gap between me and hell.

From the void between the minuscule and the infinite.

That's a big gap, my friend. Many, many tears. Why won't you cry your share?

But there's something I can do. To bridge that gap.

He's told me how. To become infinite. That leaves no gaps, you see. And you'll be a part of me then.

She asked me to scream. I closed my eyes and screamed.

Opened my eyes and looked at them. They looked amused.

She said - not good enough. Try again.

I closed my eyes.

Took a deep breath...

...and screamed.

You can do better, she said. How would you scream when someone hurt you?

I closed my eyes. Something was welling up. I knew I wanted to scream. Without holding back.

A deep breath. And a scream. A blood curling scream. So intense, my stomach shook. A scream from every cell in my body.

I heard them applaud before my eyes opened.

I'm ready to go

Distortions.

I'm distorted. So are you. We all are.

Break them! Kill them! Throw them away.

Distorted bodies.
Distorted emotions.
Distorted ideas.

That's a distorted life, man. I don't want it.

Break me down. Until just the essence remains.

Suck out my poisons.
Break down the walls.

I don't want to be a prisoner to my survival anymore.
I don't want to survive.

I want to be alive.
Not scared. Not living a distorted dream.

I've had enough. Take me away. Break me down.

Explode me.

Fillum Review - Rock On!!

Twin-sister and me went to ze movies a couple of weeks ago - slightly sleepy and determined to see any movie. Popped in for a movie with mixed reviews - Rock On!! A few friends had loved the movie, while others had called it bland and disappointing.

Anyway, I was glad to be back in the velvety comforts of a cinema hall and we saw trailers to a couple of really horrifying hindi movies. Drona being one, and Karz being another. Both caused me a lot of heartburn. Drona! So much money obviously spent on the special effects and yet it was so ugly visually.

Quite a relief when Rock On!! started with a nicely filmed song, shot right in the middle of Fountain, Bombay - so the nostalgia of home and nice visuals immediately made me happy. I was intrigued with the nice job of filming the live song - so much more realistic than how we usually see our actors fake playing a guitar.

I think about 10 minutes into the movie I finally realized that the vaguely familiar face I was looking at on screen was Farhan Akhtar. I was very, very surprised when I saw him actually singing the songs!

He won full marks from me for his performance, and although the film wasn't shot by him, it has a feel of his style, and just the fact that he sang the songs really impressed us and we were giggling like giggly girls. I can't pin it down to something, but there's something magnetically attractive about him.

The other actors were good too -mostly. I don't feel critical about the loose ends in the movie - because I enjoyed the whole two hours something. Anyway, for a hindi movie, dramatic flavours to the story (in good taste and measure) always enhance the film, I think.

And the story also appealed to me because it reminded me a lot of what was happening in my life.

Overall, very nice. I bought my first ever Hindi Movie Music CD that evening, and really love the mellow songs on the CD. (Honestly, the songs are very comparable to what Indian Rock bands are actually composing anyway.) And the slower songs are delicious. Go see the movie, if you hasn't.

Colour colour which colour do you choose!

I have orange hair. My second brave attempt at being red head has also (of course) left me with a full crop of orange hair.

I was at Isha, oh I know you're tired of Isha stories, but this one was funny.

So, I was there a little over a month ago - and I think I hadn't really smiled or laughed for weeks. And there, on the terrace, looking at the stunning mountains, something happened.

We'd just had a Q&A, and someone had asked why Orange seemed to be the colour most associated by the people on the spiritual path - their dressing, shawls, etc, everything was orange. And Swami explained how the colour aided in the spiritual process.

And there, on the terrace, I was thinking about what we'd just heard, and I thought of the endless teasing I'd endured about my orange hair. And suddenly burst out with my first full, joyous laughter in weeks. I love my spiritual orange hair.

Such a beautiful day

I'm having the most gorgeous day ever. Woke up late, after a long due night with girlfriends, who I hadn't seen in a year. Impromptu, decided to take the day off. Haven't done this in ages. Just the day off. Unexpected. With no agenda.

We went to a local dhaba for breakfast. Again a first time. The day smelled so wonderful - the sky so blue, and something in the air...

Came back and saw Chunking Express. A movie I'd seen about 3 years ago, and had quite liked, but when I saw it today - I saw a zillion things I hadn't seen the last time. Really good movie.

Took a nap. Woke up and felt so happy.... Just to be alive.

2008

In 2008, I saw death. 4 people I'd known vanished into nothingness in an instant.

In 2008, I consumed more beer than I had in 22 years before.

In 2008, I did more impulsive things than I was aware of.

In 2008, I hurt the people I love.

In 2008, I wanted to die.

In 2008, the sky fell down on me.

In 2008, a small seed was planted. A seed that draws life from my breath.

A wish

The fire reached into the sky.
The flames eating our bonds.
Finally free, we danced on the grass, barefoot. Bare naked.

Someone gasped and I looked,
he came out of the light, a dance in his step.

He stood there - a stillness of such magnitude.
In one instant we exploded.

A sob escaped my throat
And then a tear rolled down his cheek.