Heartbreaks are terrible.
The day before yesterday mine was crushed again for the nth time. This time, it was by someone who I knew wasn't going to be my long term partner. But still. I wasn't ready. Are you ever?
So I cried and thought about all the ways in which it was my fault and all the ways in which I was unlovable. And then I cried more. I spent the day moving slowly, without much life-force and with a weak appetite. I shared my hurt with a few people. The hurt remained. I visualized my heart was now crushed into sharp shards that were gathered at my feet and all I wanted to do was roll around in the shards until my body bled. It seemed like with each heartbreak the pain was getting worse-- was it an accumulation of all the rejection and this seeming failure on my part to be "good enough"?
That evening I had committed to going to a yoga/ayurveda sangha. So I spent the evening with four lovely older women who healed me with their presence, wisdom and energy. My lower back was hurting a lot -- a pain I hadn't felt in a few months. Surely all this emotional turbulence had affected my 2nd energy plexus. An hour of yoga and healing later my back wasn't hurting.
Today I woke up feeling a bit better. There was still the ache in the stomach. A desire to throw up my heart and never have to deal with it again. But it got better. I did things that were meaningful and healing for me. Yoga in the morning with a teacher+friend. It was International yoga day and summer solstice! Later, I went to a Yoga celebration event my community had organized. Hugs that touched my heart. And my day ended with a friend who came over to hang out and bought me pizza and we watched Star Trek.
All through the day I thought about my lessons.
-Boundaries: I hadn't set. Or even thought about. As soon as this occurred to me, I realized this was a big one for me to learn and I feel determined to try.
-Timing: Too much too soon.
-Discernment.
Tonight as I prepared for bed, I realized I was feeling good. My heart felt touched by light again and the music made me want to dance again.
I'm grateful for being able to see lessons. Grateful for friends that comforted me. Grateful for yoga. Grateful for the Ayurvedic herbs that I was sure to take today that helped my body, nerves and mind feel stable and positive.
That's when realized the whole universe had been here to support me, and I was just meant to learn a lesson today.
The day before yesterday mine was crushed again for the nth time. This time, it was by someone who I knew wasn't going to be my long term partner. But still. I wasn't ready. Are you ever?
So I cried and thought about all the ways in which it was my fault and all the ways in which I was unlovable. And then I cried more. I spent the day moving slowly, without much life-force and with a weak appetite. I shared my hurt with a few people. The hurt remained. I visualized my heart was now crushed into sharp shards that were gathered at my feet and all I wanted to do was roll around in the shards until my body bled. It seemed like with each heartbreak the pain was getting worse-- was it an accumulation of all the rejection and this seeming failure on my part to be "good enough"?
That evening I had committed to going to a yoga/ayurveda sangha. So I spent the evening with four lovely older women who healed me with their presence, wisdom and energy. My lower back was hurting a lot -- a pain I hadn't felt in a few months. Surely all this emotional turbulence had affected my 2nd energy plexus. An hour of yoga and healing later my back wasn't hurting.
Today I woke up feeling a bit better. There was still the ache in the stomach. A desire to throw up my heart and never have to deal with it again. But it got better. I did things that were meaningful and healing for me. Yoga in the morning with a teacher+friend. It was International yoga day and summer solstice! Later, I went to a Yoga celebration event my community had organized. Hugs that touched my heart. And my day ended with a friend who came over to hang out and bought me pizza and we watched Star Trek.
All through the day I thought about my lessons.
-Boundaries: I hadn't set. Or even thought about. As soon as this occurred to me, I realized this was a big one for me to learn and I feel determined to try.
-Timing: Too much too soon.
-Discernment.
Tonight as I prepared for bed, I realized I was feeling good. My heart felt touched by light again and the music made me want to dance again.
I'm grateful for being able to see lessons. Grateful for friends that comforted me. Grateful for yoga. Grateful for the Ayurvedic herbs that I was sure to take today that helped my body, nerves and mind feel stable and positive.
That's when realized the whole universe had been here to support me, and I was just meant to learn a lesson today.
