Better scores than school

And now for something more fun. A look at last year's resolutions. How silly and daft and hilarious they were!

I had promised to score or rate each one.

Here they are:

I hereby solemnly resolve to accomplish the following exciting tasks this year, and infinitely improve the world in the process of doing so.

1. Learn magic. (Met a magician, and am now an apprentice. Full marks.)
2. Start a brilliant online-wiki-collaborative-art movement. (Need I mention indiadailyphoto.com again? Full marks.)
3. Self develop- read more, write more, think more, make music, travel, learn, learn, learn. (umm, nevermind)
- Read continually. (Hmm, have read a fair bit - and pretty continually. Say 8/10)
- Write stories and poems. (0/10 - maybe some poetry, but its just rambling, so not counting.)
- Buy a guitar and be the cool guitar girl at everyone's party. (bought the guitar. Was the cool guitar girl at one and a half parties. 4/10)
- Save money, invest, and then be able to shop also! (-500/10)
- Travel so much. London? Australia? (How on earth did I know London would happen! A bit of other travel happened too, including 2 Googley trips to SF.)
4. Buy a camera. Finally. (Oh yes, oh yes.)
5. Be good daughter and make family happy to be my family. (Was a pathetic daughter/friend until September 2008.)
6. Be healthy and peaceful. Gym, and eat good food. ( = side effects of yoga)
7. Save money. (-500/10)
8. Learn to cook, parsi food, et al. (0/10)
9. Read a new wikipedia page everyday and know it all. (0/10)
10. Work supremely hard and not waste time. (sigh)
11. Save money. (omit)
12. Buy 2 sex toys for Melroy. (The sex shop I visited in SF was dismal and alarming at the same time. Mission aborted.)
13. Conserve electricity and water. (Erm)
14. Make time to improve my designing and photoshopping. (7/10 - natural evolution of the sometimes spotless mind)
15. Dance. Often. (7/10)

That, was, fun.

The 200th post in 2008: Flashback

Darn, I am going to reach 200 posts after all. I'm feeling very exuberantly talkative. 

So review of 2008, here goes.

31 Dec 2007 found me at home in Bombay - with a bunch of beloved friends - included a very pregnant Simrat, (whose now gorgeous son Kabir is the calmest almost-1-year-old I know) and also Brownie the doggie, who slid under sofas and dark corners with utter alarm at the fire crackers that went off at midnight. Beer+whisky, rock and roll, drunken dancing, then some soothing guitar playing, and then a cosy sleep off.

This pretty much summed up what the first 6-7 months of 2008 were. Lots of beer, rock and roll, drunken dancing, and laziness.

In March, was my first encounter with death. I lost a person whose face I can't remember without a smile. He cooked for me everyday for the first 4 years of my life, and then each time I visited. He'd bought me lollies, and fizzy drinks, and I'd followed his finger to kindergarten school.

Also in March, I bought my first ever domain - www.indiadailyphoto.com, and planned to post a photo everyday, which turned out much harder than I expected. I then invited Pranav, Sasidhar, and more friends on board until we grew to where we are today. A faithfully regular photoblog that is a thrill and joy to us, and pretty much the first thing I look at online everyday.

In April, I met a friend in Goa who I hadn't seen for years. She and her boyfriend had moved to Goa, and were living off photography and his paintings! I was thrilled for them and intensely thrilled to meet them.

The next day, the boy drowned in the sea. I have not forgotten the day and what it felt like. I wrote this then.

There came a time, maybe in June or July, when I was asked by a friend about what I was doing with my life. I had no answer. I imagined turning 30 and looking back to see that I had done nothing with myself other than start a photoblog. It was a depressing thought, and a part of me was helpless to the idea that this predicament was sure to come true.

In August, we lost two friends who vanished into smoke one day. I can't explain what that blow was like, but left us with gaping aches in our hearts, and questions that we had no answers to. Why? Why? Why?

And then, August brought the hardest day of my life. On my Parsi birthday. A day that knocked the wind out of me so hard that I couldn't stand, and didn't want to exist. I wished the earth would open up and swallow me down, I didn't imagine ever having a friend or looking anyone in the eye again. It was the day I wished death for me and someone else wished death for me too. I was the villain in my own fairy tale. 

But as the zen masters say 'nothing is an accident', that day turned out to set in motion events that have changed my life 180 degrees. 

Isha happened in early September. The timing was impeccably perfect. Destiny's got style, man. ** 

And since then, everyday has been a immense learning, a step towards something infinite, unbound by time and space. I've learned more about love, and joy, and death, and karma and nirvana, about bliss and about the divine, and what it means to be human, and about animals, about myself, about history, about you, about the universe, about life. 

I've learned how much a slave I was to my compulsions, and still am to my body and mind and emotions, and each day is a lesson and an attempt to slowly unbind myself from these.

I have much to do in 2009, for me and for you -- even if we've never met. 

** And Stylusha.

We've come a long, long way

It's December 31, 2008.

I wanted to complete two hundred posts on my blog for this year. I'm at 199. I don't think I'm going to get to 200. It seems appropirate to be so close and so far.

Plenty of things have happened in the last week itself, that would have normally earned a blog post. But somehow the intense need to record everything on cyber space has diminished. I think life is getting imprinted on a different level...  I think my way of experiencing everything has become much deeper. Which is beautiful.

I wanted to write a review of my 2008. 

It's been an eventful year. 

I would have called it a bad, difficult year because of the traumas that ensued. But how can I not call it the most incredibly precious and magnificent year for every single thing I learned?

And here comes the weirdest twist in it.

Good or bad mean nothing to me anymore. I thought I was good, and then I thought (and was told) that I was bad, and then I couldn't figure out where the line between the two was.

So, it seems that good and bad are so relative and always in comparison with something else...

On the path I'm on now, there's no room for good or bad. No room for judging, or prejudicing, or having misinformed opinions. There's room for the stark naked reality.

I wish everyone a blissful, and self-realized 2009.

Overwhelmed

by the clutter in my head

scared 

small

waiting

somewhere my heart breaks 

when there's a moment 

of malice

of greed

of insecurity

of selfishness

of anger

of hatred

of pain

of loneliness

of unfulfilment

of desperation

of complusiveness

in you

sometimes i can feel

you attack me

and i die

-

sometimes i feel alive

sometimes i become 

one

and sometimes

i stop being

and vanish

into shoonya

the void that is me

that is you

into the black hole we all came from

Random Updates at Midnight

Today I was called self obsessed.

Today I got blog-tagged by Gayatri.

Today I felt like I want this year to end, and that it's been a fairly tough/sad/rough/painful year.

Today I imagined what it would be like to have my residential address say "Velliangiri Foothills."

Today I heard a song that made me fall in love with every single human being on this planet.

Today I chose to be happy.

And tomorrow -  I plan my trip to Hampi this weekend.

How long did it take to grow your beard?

An amusing video where two American TV show hosts interview Sadhguru, trying to balance their slight awe and possible incomprehension of what he's saying, and keeping in mind their need to entertain their viewers. 

Funny thingy

An excerpt about India

I'm learning more about India than I ever did from my history textbooks, or from these 23 years of living in the land (shamefully)or taking India Daily Photos. I am not religious nor would I classify as a Hindu per social terms today.... But this paragraph transcends what my understanding of both, so far, had been.

"When you refer to somebody as a Hindu - I want you to understand this - it is not a religious identity: it is a cultural identity, it is a geographic identity. The word Hindu is a derivation of Indu. Whoever is born in the land of Indus, is a Hindu. You don't have to ascribe yourself to any particular belief system to be a Hindu. You can believe in God and be a Hindu, and disbelieve in God and still be a good Hindu. This is because it is not a religious identity... but right now, this Hindu is slowly trying to become an ism, is trying to become aggressive. This is only because of aggressive religions that have come from outside which started converting people aggressively. With this insecurity, the Hindu community is trying to organize itself into another aggressive group, which is a very sad thing. It is a sad thing to happen to this culture, because they have always welcomed everything that came into this country with open arms.

If you just scratch the Hindu (or Indian) culture and look a little deeper, you will see every bit of life has been so deeply looked at. Every bit of life has been scientifically understood and created. If you see this, you will see in India, every action you perform, even single act that you perform in your life is actually a spiritual process leading towards your liberation. How to sit, how to stand, how to eat, how to study, for everything there is an asana, there is a mudra, and a certain attitude which will lead you to a higher lever of consciousness. Every aspect of life has been thoroughly looked at. For example, music, dance and many fine arts are not just for entertainment. They are all a spiritual process in this country. If you look at India classical music and dance, if you perform them properly, if you involve yourself in them, you will become sage-like. It can lead to liberation. It is not just entertainment. It is not just body-shaking music or body-shaking dance. You can see that musicians who are deeply involved in their music, will naturally become meditative, because that is the way the culture has been created."

-- From the book -Encounter the Enlightened

More random rambleness

I don't like disclaimers. When I see disclaimers on my friends' blogs, it makes me sad. Sort of defeats the point, no, if you have to state that this blog is your personal opinion, etc etc.

But I guess sometimes you just want to... reinforce the point.

I realized I've not put on weight for 8 years. It's annoying. Even Google's free food hasn't worked. 

When people ask me 'How are you?' over chat - just to make conversation, even when they ping me everyday - I now reply with things like... 'skinny' or 'pretty' or 'daft' depending on what I'm feeling at that moment. I guess it's a bit more honest than 'fine.'

Sadhguru on TV today explained the difference between doubt and suspicion. (It's amazing, these tiny little things that are so beautifully revealing.)

He said 'Doubt is beautiful. Doubt is saying - I don't know. Doubt leaves the possibility of finding out.. doubt brings the desire to know.'

'Suspicion is ugly. It is a conclusion formed without knowing. It leaves no room for reality.'

Nice, oh nice.

Painters sprouting here and there

He says, he's going to buy an easel.

I say, no way, do you mean a weasel? I want the easel. You take the weasel.

Am I imagining it or are all these painters sprouting all around me just when I pull out my paintbrush and colours? (I'm not complaining, it's the best thing ever.)

Phew

The misery has passed. Am glad these self-imposed bouts of misery are now only lasting a few hours and not days and days, as they used to. And atleast am not drinking myself to forget...

In the cab back home, I remembered that I have about three lifetimes worth of work to do, and so I shook myself out of it.

I could choose to ask for a remedy to heal a broken heart. A part of me want to sink down and wallow in self-pity. I've done that before, haven't I?

The problem with hearts is that they break a lot. And the breaking is out of your hands. 

I think this time I'm going to choose to forget that I have a heart, and just be joyous and alive. Irrespective of where I am, what I'm doing, or who I'm with. It's difficult at first, but it makes life a tad bit more.... now what is the word I want... fulfilling. 

I'm sorry

It hurts.

When the tears you don't want don't stop.

When you're so close and yet so far.

When this day doesn't seem worth living.

When every cell in your body is tearing in an apology and no one hears it.

I'm hurting.

Click

Things that can make me jump out of bed eagerly at 6:00am on a Sunday morning:

1. Sunrise photography plans.

Went to Lotus Pond - made photos of lotuses, kingfishers, other birdies, a bird-watching uncle who gave us a lengthy discourse about bird photography, and then I persuaded the companion to take photos of me to put on my India Daily Photo profile page. Too many people have been mistaking me for a boy and I'm not too thrilled. Ha.

Boys are funny

The friend who's learning to paint has two blue thumbs, and 4 white fingers, plus has gifted me a blue spotted floor. 

He just turned around, and sheepishly asked me if there's paint on his nose.

Blots of Raw Seina

Painting again.

There's two friends here with me. Waiting for another to join.

One of these two is a lovely painter. The other is learning, like me. He's sitting here, huffing and puffing wondering what to do next.

I'm sitting here waiting for my water colour to dry.

I'm feeling nice being here and now.

Another question

Did you sleep well last night?

Three other people, besides me, mentioned that they couldn't sleep last night, and I think it was because of the super large full moon. 

They say the full moon makes the slightly mentally imbalanced people go a bit more wonky. I guess a super full moon is more affecting... Or maybe I'm just...

Click here for a fabulous India Daily Photo of ze full moon.

A question

Do your eyes close when you're hugging somebody?

Chez le dentist

Last week I got a phone call from a dentist's clinic telling me that I was due for a 'clean-up.' Considering I've never had one before, nor announced to anyone about wanting one, I was a bit astonished when she asked me if the next Saturday 10:00 am was suitable for me.

I'd been to this dentist about eight months ago to have some wisdom (teeth) extracted. And he'd mentioned then that it would be good for me to have a clean-up and it was essential to have one every six months.

Very efficient secretary. Within 30 seconds of the phone call, I'd been 'confirmed' for my appointment, and received a reminder phone call and message two days before the appointment. And yes, this morning, at 10:30 I found myself hurrying to the dentist's clinic where the efficient secretary brushed me into the room with the funky chair, funky lights, and I'm not even going to mention the menacing poky things lying all around.

In the next 5 minutes, the dentist politely made a few jokes, caused me a reasonable amount of discomfort, and earned Rs. 700, all while listening to a slimy Daniel Bedingfield song on his World Space gadget.

The dentist then suggested that I could do with a slight tooth-straightening. Which I translated as him suggesting that I pay him Rs 20,000 in exchange for rubber-banded clams on my teeth for a year and a half. All this to add aesthetic 'face' value.

I said, no thanks. Especially since just 2 days ago someone mentioned that my slightly large front tooths make me resemble Hermione Granger. So, no thanks.

And gah to all efficient secretaries, who while bidding me goodbye noted down my name in her busy diary, and casually mentioned that she would be calling me soon to fix an appointment to fill up a tiny cavity the dentist had seen. Hmmp.

Loon-i

Something's coming over.

Something's coming over me.

I slip into zero twice a day.

2 minutes ago I got a brain rush when for a moment I thought I had deleted all the comments on India Daily Photo. All 543 of our preciously collected comments. My brain crushed into pulp for a fraction of a second. Fear, man, it sucks. In that one moment, fear compulsively controlled me completely. It was... scary, but insightful of it's power. I can't imagine what it does to people over time.

74 minutes ago I got a brain rush when I stood in a pub listening to Comfortably Numb after a long, long time. I have never experienced anything like that before. It was a combination of yoga-bliss and music-bliss. Double shot.

Tonight is the biggest full moon night in many years. 

I can't sleep. It's shaking me at my spine.

Why

Ok. Am going to finally start on that long-desired process of writing about my spirituality related decisions and experiences. Right now, am not too sure if I should be doing this at all. But right now, it seems ok. 

We'll start nice and easy. Ready? Ready.

Going back three months, to the point where it all began - I was a 23 year old disaster, not religious - except for worshipping Jim Morrison and Harry Potter, not spiritual except for singing songs to the moon, drinking by the gallon, going all out to experience everything,  and happy to let life take me around on its turbulent ups and downs. Just another regular chaotically confused 23 year old, pretty sure that I would never really figure out life, and continue understanding it from my life philosophies, that I was so good at cooking up.

And then disasters continued, heightened. Something really difficult happened - I was at a point where I didn't want to be anything and didn't want to be at all. That's when I found myself at the Isha Yoga Centre, hoping to get rid of the tremendous pain in my heart, and find a reason to tolerate my existence.

I attended Inner Engineering. 

The Inner Engineering Program, which is the basic program Isha Yoga offers, is a simple, but extraordinary experience - it offers a powerful kriya, called the Shambhavi Mahamudra, the effects of which are tremendous. And along with this kriya, the program brings a 180 degree shift in one's way of experiencing life.

At the end of the 4 days, you're armed to live a fabulous life. Joyous, super healthy, clear thinking, and exuberantly energetic. 

But then they reveal that there is more. And that everyone wouldn't want to seek it... but anyone could. The ultimate. And they tell you it's possible, and within reach. Now, when you've longed and longed to know, and here seemingly in an answer what do you do?

Yoga had won my faith when I read Autobiography of a Yogi. I just didn't think it was possible for me to even attempt. I don't think it occurred to me even. It just seemed like a intriguing out of reach fantasy.

One of my long-lived desires has been to find a way to use more than this 10% of brain-power that we're confined to. I wont forget the day when I came across this fact - that we only use 10-12% of our full capacity. And I was stunned... how can it be? And what could be possible for us if we used even just 10% more? I think it's on my Resolutions for 2008 too. Amazing how these things come around...

So there it was. A possibility. A chance for me to be more than what I was. 

And, it's not just what Sadhguru says. It's what I saw and experienced at the ashram. The people walking around there, if that is possible for them -- then oh, I want to be that. It was an obvious and instant decision for me. I don't want to (or need to) settle for a life of just well being. I'm lucky - I have nothing to stop me from going all the way to find out.

And so, that's why.

Blogger

Am in the cab. In the Google basement. It will leave in 13 minutes. I'm happy to have wireless, and wishing I could take it with me. But not, my eyes are hurting and I don't want to be doing this.

I open my email.  2 new emails which take 2 minutes each to get around.

I open Google reader. Two new 'People I know' blog posts. 4 minutes to finish.

Two new shared items from friends. One is about Internet Addiction and compulsiveness. It's scary, but obivously stark. 

Tomorrow morning, I'm to wake up and go to the Hussain Sagar lake and talk to a TV channel, along with a few other people about blogging and hopefully India Daily Photo.

Exciting. 

Day after tomorrow morning, I'm to wake up and go to the airport to catch a flight to Coimbatore. To the Ashram, finally, for Shoonya.

No words.