Starting to ask questions...

Is it more important that the work gets done or more important that the people doing the work are cared for and feel good doing it?

Today I begin a one year long promise of celibacy

Today I think I want to begin a whole year of bhramacharya. Celibacy. 

I read an article in a yoga magazine maybe a year ago, about a woman who did this. She described it has such a transformative experience for her... for her self-identity -- as a woman, in her relationships, in her self-explorative journey, in her empowerment. I felt inspired by it then and I have thought about it often in the last few months.

A couple month ago, after my most recent break up which left me hurting far more than a 2-month old relationship should, one of my soul-sisters shared her own journey of unfulfilling relationships and how her 2 year period of celibacy gave her space and time to deepen her experience and grounding in herself. She said that it was a culmination of years and years of self-destructive behavior and bad relationship choices… and this 2 year period of celibacy brought her into a light and self-sufficiency and ultimately attracted her life-partner with whom she now has a magical and loving relationship -- a kind she never believed she would find.

I want all these things. 

I have had so many unfulfilling relationships and I haven't been able to figure out what the missing piece is. Either I'm attracting the wrong people entirely, or I'm unable to stay grounded in myself when I being in a relationship. I am slowing coming to terms with the idea that I might be single forever and it is not such a frightening thought anymore.

I would like to have a partner someday. I would like to have an equal, a soul-mate, a shining star that makes me shine a bit brighter too. 

Time off from dating sounds right. I am in the middle of a major transformation. I am learning and exploring and being thrust into a phase of changing what I do every day and what I do for a living. I almost have no time for distractions.

I do acknowledge that I have strong feelings for multiple men in my life right now -- men that I cannot pursue relationships with, but I do fantasize about. I have also recently, actively been available on online dating sites and open to casual sex encounters. But so far, I haven't had that happen. Either plans fall through or I just don't feel right about it. I have for years, jokingly blamed things like this on my imaginary fairy godmother who flies around my life watching and protecting me from relationship fiascos, only allowing the ones that I have something to learn from.

Either way, I think I'm long overdue a phase of conscious and intentional singlehood. Conscious and intentional self-grounding and self-love and emotional self-sufficiency. Today has been like a strangely magical day. I feel some power in setting intention today. 

I have a lot going on and a lot to focus on and a big part of that needs to be actively moving away from spending too much time feeling the despair of being single. I think a whole year of bhramacharya will establish a sense of oneness and depth in me that I need and finding that connection with the divine. 

I am scared of what this means. The sexual turmoil for one but also the emotional struggle that will come with it. But I think I can embrace it as part of the process. It will be hard. I embrace it. It will be such a challenge, but I need to and I know I can do it and the coming out of it will be special. I will spend time reading more about bhramacharya in the yogic concept! The commitment is for me and I honor it starting today. 

Today is October 1st. It has already been a few months of being single. I can do another 12.