Glossolalia

Samyama

7 days

1000 people

breathing

silent

screaming

sleeping

bells and gongs

oranges 

watermelon

white

shiva

shining face-meter

just him and I

'you're looking beautiful'

shankaran pillai

tears

laughter

backaches

bleeding nose

lemon and honey

sounds of isha

music

sway

chant

bharathi akka

white

strong

immovable

magnetic

the rustle of his entry

spanda hall

his walk around us

looking-peering-staring

not at us

jokes

oh the jokes

my head

the nonsense 

'bag of karma'

it's over

7 days

samyama

I've been silent today

finding it hard to string 

words

something something something

theeruona bilisthiof pttachuua

10 words for Pranav Shah

16 days at the ashram have zipped by and left me a little breathless. And a little empty. 

I'm blogging right now, rather reluctantly, only because a friend, traveling in a train from Bombay to Hyd is demanding a 10 word update on the blog.

10 words. Hmm, let me see.

The ashram was chaos. First for mahashivrathri, and then in preparation for Samyama. Amazing, amazing chaos. Hundreds of overseas visitors. I got involved in being at the reception for the fanciest accomodation at the ashram, a luxurious conference centre (with 25 rooms) called Nalanda center for two days before Mahashivrathri.

The guests I welcomed during first two days:

Shekhar Kapoor

Pralhad Kakkar

Satya Paul (the designer)

Indian Ocean

and various others I probably didn't recognize, fancy rich people who were the VVIP guests for Mahashivrathri.

Most of these guys were meditators and personal guests/friends of Sadhguru.

The afternoon before Mahashivrathri, when the action was at its peak, we got news that Sadhguru will be visiting Nalanda at 2:00. Hustle bustle. 1:30 was break time for me, but I rushed back from my beloved coconut-water stall so that I didn't miss a glimse of sadhguru.

From a distance I saw his big black Land Rover parked outside Nalanda, he was already there, and I rushed in. There he was, talking to his guests, seeing everything. I slipped in behind the reception desk and stood there, watching, unable to take my eyes off him.

After a few moments of jovial chit chat, he indicated to everyone to sit down. There were already 3 people behind the desk, so I moved to a couch nearby and sat down. Silence.

Silence.

Such a deep reverberating silence. Where just a few moments ago, there had been busy activity and a fair amount of chaos, there was this silence, and I noticed tears running down my cheeks. I told myself, I don't want to cry, damn it, I don't want this to happen. But without a change in my expression, the tears just fell. 

Later I told myself  it's ok, he just blasted us with some super-atomic energy, cause long after he left, I was moving at the speed of light.

Fareyouwell

All my bags are packed am ready to go.

I was wondering what I have left to do.. and I remembered. Goodbye Internet!

Away until March 8. No Internet, no phone.

Until March 8 - Isha yoga, Mahashivrathri, Samayama, velliangiri mountains, peacock calls, oh, the food!

Here's a bit about the Mahashivrathri Celebrations at Isha.

Hmm. I think the silence has arrived!

Love,

Afrin

Patterns

I LOVE PATTERNS he said.

Imprints. Fine print. Lace print. Blue print.

Finger print.

Patterns of destiny.

Circles of life.. we've been talking about circles

So many things are going around and coming back around.

Patterns

Coincidences? Designs? 

Or designed by something?

And is that something an accident?

Or written down in stone?

Each day.. a suspense story

even as we forget to remember

that it's all a game

and we forget to enjoy

the drama

the cinema

the moment

A Question

Is everything that is unique priceless? Then why do we forget that?

If I offered to gift you something you really wanted, what would you ask for?

If the world is to end tomorrow, what will you do?

If I had just today to live, what would you say?

what will it be?

Should I say all I have to say

before I go away?

The silence program, it is.

I wonder if it will

put a silence

to all I have to say.

I wonder so much

that I don't know what to say.

Affectionate Names

jeeka (mom to me)

jeenu-meenu-jinku (mom to us)

bubblegum (ditto)

princess (me to my loves - yes, even a boy)

chor (me to various)

uncle (me to anyone)

pigeon (me to sister) 

pig-a-ling (sister to me)

mithu bacchu (mom to me)

peekaboo (me to peekaboo)

bubble head (various)

Oye! Hero! 

Daya Singh Daya Sing (daya)

Slightly outrageous pet names: from the old days:

Mellund (Mel who lives in Mulund)

Chont

Jhaat Pulao (don't even ask)

Ball Curry (this one killed me when I first heard it)

 Add some?

For the time being...

While we make small talk about the weather and mailing aliases, you look into my eyes -- searching... so intensely. 

While we make small talk about travel and holidays, I look into your eyes -- so intensely... to show you something.

It's new and important and marvellous and precious. 

And while we hesitate somewhere inside, wondering if the time is right, 

let's make small talk until then, cause, really, I have nothing to hide.

Salt on my nose

The irony of it makes me laugh and cry. It's quite amazing how hormones cause you to do both so perfectly at the same time. 

Here I am, saying to myself... I want to dissolve into nothingness.

And strangely, everything I've decided I want to do, is ultimately to do just that. Dissolve, he says. Nothingness, they call it. How can it be so hard? Arrgh.

To do it joyfully seems to be the trick. Intense, but relaxed. Now where is the darned big red button that says - Press Here To Dissolve Into Nothingness.

Dexter's Lab

I'm walking into a live experiment. I'm a guinea pig. Well, a conscious one. A volunteer, if you want. 

I'm curious too. I don't know what the results will be. I don't know how many people are watching. 

There are likely to be a few explosions. I'm not sure if I'm ready to handle them. Or if you are. I'm not sure if I should walk away.

But I think this one is already underway. There was some intensity today. 

Catalysts. Effervescence. Like my mallu chemistry teacher used to say - yeffervenscence. Let's give it a shot. 

Hmm, and anyway, we're all just piles of chemicals after all. Plus, maybe someone will enjoy the fireworks.

I'm dead in his head. 

Why hasn't my heart stopped?

Am I missing something?

Hell, I know I shouldn't be blogging now. (Anyone noticed? I'm cursing again.) 

Feeling torn. 

I want to throw my hat up in the air and watch it fly over the cliff.

I want to not be here. And not be now. 

Please take me away.

We have assembled inside this ancient and insane theatre to propogate our lust for life and flee the swarming wisdom of the streets.

Afrin

I wish I had time to write more... brief post this one will be. (Work's been crazy... missed lunch twice in a row... but I've decided... that I love what I'm doing now.)

Anyway. Wanted to say -

I've been renovated. Resurrected. Something happened. Something came back. Something I'd forgotten, or had... suspended... a part of me that I thought I'm better off without.

I don't know what did it... maybe it was the effect of many things. And I realized yesterday, when I was feeling oh-so-new, that it was six months to the day since.. all that happened. Some circle ended... 

Basically, I am intensely and madly in love with life and me. Again. Something came back as if it had never been away and fell cosily into a corner... and I hadn't realized how much I'd missed it.

Anyway. That's all folks. Back to the time machine that's sucking my days away. Good night.

PS: 9 days to go. Wow. Time machine flies.

Communion communication

Pinged a few people I haven't in ages.

Facebook wall for some.

SMS for half a dozen.

Couple of phone calls.

Weirdness reigns supreme.

Invented a game on gtalk

(often played)

Let's call each other names. You turnip brain! 

Weirdness on the surface.

Something else within.

Good knight brave night.

Jumble tumble of what's going on

Upsurge, downsurge, insurge, outsurge.

Energies going haywire

emotions coming up

intensity, weirdness.

Its finally building up.

Samayama is about 20 days away.

I'm feeling intoxicated by 

weirdness.

Like I'm stoned.

It's about time.

Am tired of being sick

it doesn't matter anymore.

Eat too much, eat too little

eat too fast, eat too slow.

Can you believe how complicated eating is?

Never thought of it.

Used to be a vada pav for me.

Every morning

cajole myself

gently.

every single morning!

To step into the cold

cold cold

shower.

Looking forward mostly

looking backwards plenty

conflict

but still motion

still progress.

Even if I feel

like am going backwards.

Sometimes sitting is so hard.

Sometimes talking is harder.

Sometimes something

and sometimes nothing.

Thanks for sticking around man.