time and space

what is this void

what is this rubberband

what is this that slips so fast

with skipping heartbeats

what is this that doesn't move

a thing. an inch. a minute.

time means nothing

so slow

and so fast

space is pointless

so close and yet so far

i give up

swallow me down

incomprehension.

Intimately Detached

holding hands

touching fingertips

tousling hair

letting be.

something intimate 

and special

natural

and free.

talking

telling

letting be.

rubbing noses

tickling toes

blowing kisses

saying bye

see you soon.

Dragons on Sunday

I was outdoors in the mid-afternoon heat of Hyderabad summer. Yes, the summer is here, and it's hot.

And then, a huge grey dragon-shaped cloud came and ate away the sun. I could see the sun rays slide around over the edges and nooks and corners of my dragon-shaped hero. And I was listening to Chris Cornell sing Sunshower. Those rays of light did look like a sunshower.

And I felt grateful to a cloud.  

Glossolalia

Samyama

7 days

1000 people

breathing

silent

screaming

sleeping

bells and gongs

oranges 

watermelon

white

shiva

shining face-meter

just him and I

'you're looking beautiful'

shankaran pillai

tears

laughter

backaches

bleeding nose

lemon and honey

sounds of isha

music

sway

chant

bharathi akka

white

strong

immovable

magnetic

the rustle of his entry

spanda hall

his walk around us

looking-peering-staring

not at us

jokes

oh the jokes

my head

the nonsense 

'bag of karma'

it's over

7 days

samyama

I've been silent today

finding it hard to string 

words

something something something

theeruona bilisthiof pttachuua

Patterns

I LOVE PATTERNS he said.

Imprints. Fine print. Lace print. Blue print.

Finger print.

Patterns of destiny.

Circles of life.. we've been talking about circles

So many things are going around and coming back around.

Patterns

Coincidences? Designs? 

Or designed by something?

And is that something an accident?

Or written down in stone?

Each day.. a suspense story

even as we forget to remember

that it's all a game

and we forget to enjoy

the drama

the cinema

the moment

what will it be?

Should I say all I have to say

before I go away?

The silence program, it is.

I wonder if it will

put a silence

to all I have to say.

I wonder so much

that I don't know what to say.

Jumble tumble of what's going on

Upsurge, downsurge, insurge, outsurge.

Energies going haywire

emotions coming up

intensity, weirdness.

Its finally building up.

Samayama is about 20 days away.

I'm feeling intoxicated by 

weirdness.

Like I'm stoned.

It's about time.

Am tired of being sick

it doesn't matter anymore.

Eat too much, eat too little

eat too fast, eat too slow.

Can you believe how complicated eating is?

Never thought of it.

Used to be a vada pav for me.

Every morning

cajole myself

gently.

every single morning!

To step into the cold

cold cold

shower.

Looking forward mostly

looking backwards plenty

conflict

but still motion

still progress.

Even if I feel

like am going backwards.

Sometimes sitting is so hard.

Sometimes talking is harder.

Sometimes something

and sometimes nothing.

Thanks for sticking around man.

-space-

its a strange tingling

reverberating

with something you can't put a word to.

more intense than magic

more heady than any wine

think of your favourite song

and how it kills you

think of what your stomach feels 

when you're floating kissing someone

think of that feeling

when you're exploding, thrilling

on a mountain top and feeling like nothing before

think of those profound moments of truth

when you know

think of it all, but its not enough

coz I can't explain what it feels like

when i do it right.

when

you

want

to 

reach

up

you

should

stretch

every

cell

Right now I feel

Misplaced by time and space.

It feels like a gap.

Like it's this void between... two moments of reality. 

Like I can afford to close my eyes. And forget about gravity.

Overwhelmed

by the clutter in my head

scared 

small

waiting

somewhere my heart breaks 

when there's a moment 

of malice

of greed

of insecurity

of selfishness

of anger

of hatred

of pain

of loneliness

of unfulfilment

of desperation

of complusiveness

in you

sometimes i can feel

you attack me

and i die

-

sometimes i feel alive

sometimes i become 

one

and sometimes

i stop being

and vanish

into shoonya

the void that is me

that is you

into the black hole we all came from

I'm sorry

It hurts.

When the tears you don't want don't stop.

When you're so close and yet so far.

When this day doesn't seem worth living.

When every cell in your body is tearing in an apology and no one hears it.

I'm hurting.

Today...

Today ---

I wore only one earring.

I learnt about the oilyness of oil paints.

I understood the importance of 'self' in the word self-realization.

I made 200 photos in RAW.

I met three Jokers, and learnt a little more about boys.

I kept shut instead of talking.

I decided that I don't horde anything. 

Someone thanked me with tears in their eyes and left me with tears in mine.

Today, I'm blessed.

Where do tears come from? Do you know?

I'll tell you.

They come from the gap between you and me. The gap between me and the sky. The gap between me and hell.

From the void between the minuscule and the infinite.

That's a big gap, my friend. Many, many tears. Why won't you cry your share?

But there's something I can do. To bridge that gap.

He's told me how. To become infinite. That leaves no gaps, you see. And you'll be a part of me then.

She asked me to scream. I closed my eyes and screamed.

Opened my eyes and looked at them. They looked amused.

She said - not good enough. Try again.

I closed my eyes.

Took a deep breath...

...and screamed.

You can do better, she said. How would you scream when someone hurt you?

I closed my eyes. Something was welling up. I knew I wanted to scream. Without holding back.

A deep breath. And a scream. A blood curling scream. So intense, my stomach shook. A scream from every cell in my body.

I heard them applaud before my eyes opened.

I'm ready to go

Distortions.

I'm distorted. So are you. We all are.

Break them! Kill them! Throw them away.

Distorted bodies.
Distorted emotions.
Distorted ideas.

That's a distorted life, man. I don't want it.

Break me down. Until just the essence remains.

Suck out my poisons.
Break down the walls.

I don't want to be a prisoner to my survival anymore.
I don't want to survive.

I want to be alive.
Not scared. Not living a distorted dream.

I've had enough. Take me away. Break me down.

Explode me.

2008

In 2008, I saw death. 4 people I'd known vanished into nothingness in an instant.

In 2008, I consumed more beer than I had in 22 years before.

In 2008, I did more impulsive things than I was aware of.

In 2008, I hurt the people I love.

In 2008, I wanted to die.

In 2008, the sky fell down on me.

In 2008, a small seed was planted. A seed that draws life from my breath.

A wish

The fire reached into the sky.
The flames eating our bonds.
Finally free, we danced on the grass, barefoot. Bare naked.

Someone gasped and I looked,
he came out of the light, a dance in his step.

He stood there - a stillness of such magnitude.
In one instant we exploded.

A sob escaped my throat
And then a tear rolled down his cheek.

How mad can grief make you?

Mad enough to shiver, and turn green. Mad enough to be fighting to be sane on the verge of insanity.

Silence

Sometimes silence is awkward. Sometimes it is precious.

Sometimes silence is noise.

Sometimes it's conversation.