Why

Ok. Am going to finally start on that long-desired process of writing about my spirituality related decisions and experiences. Right now, am not too sure if I should be doing this at all. But right now, it seems ok. 

We'll start nice and easy. Ready? Ready.

Going back three months, to the point where it all began - I was a 23 year old disaster, not religious - except for worshipping Jim Morrison and Harry Potter, not spiritual except for singing songs to the moon, drinking by the gallon, going all out to experience everything,  and happy to let life take me around on its turbulent ups and downs. Just another regular chaotically confused 23 year old, pretty sure that I would never really figure out life, and continue understanding it from my life philosophies, that I was so good at cooking up.

And then disasters continued, heightened. Something really difficult happened - I was at a point where I didn't want to be anything and didn't want to be at all. That's when I found myself at the Isha Yoga Centre, hoping to get rid of the tremendous pain in my heart, and find a reason to tolerate my existence.

I attended Inner Engineering. 

The Inner Engineering Program, which is the basic program Isha Yoga offers, is a simple, but extraordinary experience - it offers a powerful kriya, called the Shambhavi Mahamudra, the effects of which are tremendous. And along with this kriya, the program brings a 180 degree shift in one's way of experiencing life.

At the end of the 4 days, you're armed to live a fabulous life. Joyous, super healthy, clear thinking, and exuberantly energetic. 

But then they reveal that there is more. And that everyone wouldn't want to seek it... but anyone could. The ultimate. And they tell you it's possible, and within reach. Now, when you've longed and longed to know, and here seemingly in an answer what do you do?

Yoga had won my faith when I read Autobiography of a Yogi. I just didn't think it was possible for me to even attempt. I don't think it occurred to me even. It just seemed like a intriguing out of reach fantasy.

One of my long-lived desires has been to find a way to use more than this 10% of brain-power that we're confined to. I wont forget the day when I came across this fact - that we only use 10-12% of our full capacity. And I was stunned... how can it be? And what could be possible for us if we used even just 10% more? I think it's on my Resolutions for 2008 too. Amazing how these things come around...

So there it was. A possibility. A chance for me to be more than what I was. 

And, it's not just what Sadhguru says. It's what I saw and experienced at the ashram. The people walking around there, if that is possible for them -- then oh, I want to be that. It was an obvious and instant decision for me. I don't want to (or need to) settle for a life of just well being. I'm lucky - I have nothing to stop me from going all the way to find out.

And so, that's why.

On the road to somewhere good

I don't even know where to begin. The past couple of weeks, actually months, have been so monumentally dramatic - and today, my life stands 180 degrees from where it was just 15 days ago.

The next few blog posts are going to be pouring out all the thoughts and situations and lessons of life that have confronted me recently.

Going slightly off track, when people over the part couple of years have asked me about why I've not even started the possibly long journey of being a film maker, I would usually reply, 'Oh, am not ready. I've not seen anything in life as yet.' That is definitely changing. I could do with a short break from life's turbulent display of what its potential is.

15 days ago, life struck me a hard blow. I wanted to die. Other people wanted me to die. I didn't think I could ever have a friend again, or look anyone in the eye. I was called names I never imagined I would be called. I had lied. And sinned.

Horrid. Impossible. I've always been an emotional person, and this just broke me. I just knew something drastic would have to be done... I wanted to...

Anyway, to cut a long story short, life struck hard. And as it goes, there's only two things you can do. Either you learn a lesson and try and fix things. Or you give up, and let madness, self pity and depression fill you will endless negatives.

Fortunately, I took a flight home, to my parents, confessed my heart out, and surrendered to them. Bit by bit, they drew me a picture, from their love and wisdom, of how life goes, and how it is time for me to set things correct.

Today I can see how bad my condition really was. It struck me that I've been living without rules all these 23 years. No rules. No faith in anything. No ambition. Just a carefree, careless attitude - slowly turning into a selfish and unproductive attitude. 23 years of jumping without thinking.

It had to end sometime. And it has. So many things are changing, that its still overwhelming. It's hard.

Anyway, there's a lot more that I want to share about this strange journey. Over time, I have a lot to write. But to reveal the key changes -

1. I have found a simple and complete belief in God. I will explain.
2. I have given up alcohol. Something I never imagined I would ever want to.
3. I'm spiritually reformed, and setting a disciplined life with simple mottos - goodness, honesty, and love to everyone.

It seems drastic and utterly unbelievable for anyone who knew me. But such is life.