Cry

Today is a cranky day. I'm cranked up in cranky hormones. Which means I cry tonight. And also means that I take pills tomorrow and stay groggy all day.

Today I realized that I'm still burdened with guilt. I looked at a complete stranger and thought -  only after the thought occured to me did I realize what it meant. I thought - how nice it must be to be a nice person. Turns out a part of me is full of self-doubt and self-hate. That too unconciously. I've gone around for weeks telling people that I'm happy. Didn't know I was carrying all of this bad blood in me.

Guess it's up and down. 

It's tough. I'm being hard and harsh. 

I can't preach unless I practice. No other way to be.

Today BananaFish declared my one-liner posts were cheating. I can't write 50 nonsense lines and call it Project 50. Pretty fair I think. I'm definitely not a story teller like BananaFish. I can ramble and bumble. Especially on these cranked up days. 

I was in Pune this weekend. Got lucky on my way - had booked a seat on a semi-sleeper bus, and they gave me a berth in a sleeper bus. Super comfy.

I like Indian musical instuments.

I chant. A U M. I don't think about what other people are thinking. I chant loudly. My voice feels like a stream of something pouring out. From the pit of my stomach to the tip of my nose. Pit to tip. 

 

Today I suffered. I fell down, back to where I've been crawling out of. But it's ok. I know the way out now. 

I saw half of Salaam Namaste in the bus back from Pune. I half enjoyed it. The Bollywoodness of it.

I read an Enid Blyton book in the bus. In red, dim light I read The Famous Five. After probably a dozen years. I couln't put it down, until they turned the dim, red light off. Then I had unpleasant dreams, in which I died over and over again. Waiting for something.

Am listening to Kula Shaker. Namami Nand he's saying. It's making my spine tingle.

When the unmanifest (energy) moves towards the manifest, the first form it takes is that of a perfect ellipsoid. Like a linga. Or a seed. Or an egg. 

I was going round and round in circles, and then it turned out to be an ellipsoid.

 Ok, am going to post a sensible post now.